There is a specific feeling. The feeling you have when a junior is lying on your bed. A single bed. A thursday afternoon. He's over at my room after college. We have lunch. Listening to songs, he ends up taking a nap.
I'm with him lying parallel. Trying not to move, avoiding disturbing him. He starts snoring. I stare.
Peace: It makes me smile. A sudden urge to put my arm around his back. To hold him.
I resist. It might wake him. I continue to stare. I shift to have a better view of his face. He's asleep.
I look at his body. The shaved head. (wonder why everyones getting it done nowadays). The perfect shoulders. The pillow between his arms. His head resting flat on the bed. The perfect curve of his back. And then his hips. I've never been a bottom gazer. But here I am looking at his back. It perfectly matches with his body.
It's the curves in his body, the discreet lines. Sharp contours that make me want to move my hand over him.
Hours pass, unable to stand the primitive urge any longer. . I get up. Go to the next room.
I open pharma:
Chloramphenicol. With a phen! A phenol. Lipid soluble. Passes across the blood brain barrier.
An arm passes behind my neck. I relax. He's with me. Holding me. I turn around. Smile. Put the pillow on my lap and cuddle the imagined face of the kid. God! I want a son.
Mixed feelings. Of a brother, a lover, a friend and a son.
What am I?
A whale dying. Dying for anything. Any sort of love. Washed up on the shore. Mind swimming.
In the other room he turns his side, and continues to snore.
Its been a week. And I find myself holding my stuff toy imaging it's him. I spend hours in the morning talking to an imagination. Something I know will never work. While I ignore the real gay people I know. Their texts lie unread and unanswered while I'm lost in my imagination with a guy who's probably straight.
Are these dreams so much closer to me than reality? Or is it the fact that I've never actually met these gay people in real life? Maybe texting and talking isn't enough to fall in love with someone.
Confusion
You write so beautifully.
ReplyDeleteI've felt this way, often, about girls, especially when I've seen one sleeping. Their softness so similar to my own. Even though I've always considered myself straight.
I've gone through almost all of your diary, its beautiful and heartbreaking, almost all of it. I really hope things work out for you some day, beyond all hope I hope that for you.
Until then, hang on there and good luck :)
Thank you baked sunshine :)
ReplyDeleteI'm going through your blog. I see you're a med student too.
Indeed. :) so we have that in common :D
ReplyDelete